capisco

no, seriously... WHAT THE HELL?!??


i miss my apartment. i've been here a little too long.

i saw the beast today. *shudder* purely vile.
i love love love love love love love love love school. and i love my apartment (visitors are more than welcome). and i love my family. and i love my friends and making new ones and doing new things.

*lovesicksigh*

umm, i'm already counting down to the dodgers' opening day. its been three months, three more to go. aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh what's happening to me again?!

i fell in love with the doctor i saw today. dr. kasam. iqbal ismail kasam. even his name is great. tall, thin, brown, way too handsome and kind and charming for his own good. he knocked dr. khotz down on the totem pole. going there isn't so bad when i'm in such gorgeous hands.

i put up my pace flag and now i'm really in the mood to go to italy. pizza, sunflowers, pretty boys with tight jeans and bad hair. man oh man that'd be nice. i'd feel good there.

oh my god it is so nice to work.

my body is so out of whack. its driving me craaaaazy.

i'm sure one year, i'll eventually make good fall memories. life will be dandy and i won't dread this time of year. but so far, and for now, it fuckin' sucks. i'm fine, though. i just needed to do a little bit of bashing. fuck this 5 pm darkness shit. psh...


i miss baseball; its my favorite season.

i'm leaking. it makes me really uncomfortable. i don't like it. nope, not one bit. so i can't sleep. i should've stayed at ernie's. listening to and feeling him breathe puts me to sleep. but, of course i have to be leaking. of course. apparently he's never seen me sleep there, though. he swears that every time he wakes up, i'm awake. how fucking creepy. oh it makes me laugh thinking about it. that would freak me out if i were him. its his own fault though. he's spastic, and his blinds are useless. i'm used to my bat cave.
i want to make him chocolate chip cookies. but for reals, not the fake kind we always do. ones made with love. heart-shaped ones. yessssss. noooooo, too much. overboard. i'm suffering from housewife fantasies. please forgive me. for halloween, we dressed up as lucy and desi. (lovesicksigh)

my little angel henry was being fussy with me for the first time earlier. i told him i'd remember this, you know, kinda threatening him. we'll see how he behaves tomorrow... mwahaha. jk, jk. i love him so much. he had to be in the hospital last weekend. it sucked. i'm glad he's home. yay enriquito!

fuck i'm going to be cranky tomorrow. erm, today. always when i have to be social...

don't judge me.

here's my gorgeous nephew, henry christopher heath, the newest love of my life.

i'm sick and i'm bored and the dodgers keep losing and ernie's in las vegas and i'm lonely. wah wah wah. and summer is over. LAAAAAME. i hate being cold. the end.

i go on walks most evenings, usually to a park, where i read for a while and watch soccer games and baseball practice and people walking their dogs and look for shapes in the clouds. its my favorite part of my days.
anyway, last night i'm walking home at about 8, and as i turn into my neighborhood, there is a cop cruising around, weaving through the streets, who passes by me twice. i get to just across the street from my house, and there he appears, coming from down my street a little faster than i think he should be going in a residential area. then he straight up pulls right in front of the corner i'm about to cross, gets out of his car, and asks me how i am, what i'm doing, where i'm going, where i'm coming from, is everything okay? he just wants to make sure i'm alright walking around alone. my dad, the paranoid android, saw the encounter from the kitchen window, and asked what happened, so i told him and my mom. we all chuckled, and then my mom asked if he was young or old. i said young, and she said he probably just wanted to check me out. i sure hope so, because he was freakin cute. i guess i have a thing for policemen.

i went with chris to the dodgers game last night. i think it was the first time i ever have done anything with him, just the two of us. it was fun. we rocked out to shakira en route, he bought me a foot long corn dog, i got a little hat to fit my little head, oh! and we got our russell martin bobbleheads! he's my fave. and we saw ruben! i was hoping so much to run into him, and it happened. ahh, hadn't seen him in months, made me oh so happy. i also finally told him how in some dimensions of space ernie and i are friends. as i suspected, even if he does think its weird, he's not gonna trip and put us through what he and kerri endured from jim back in the day. speaking of which, ernie's grown some balls back and we've been talking everyday and hanging out, despite kim's unjustified wishes. we're not crossing any lines. sometimes i get so excited about it, its funny. its like having another deanna, someone who knows why i am the way i am without me having to explain, but with the added bonus of giving me insight into my brothers' lives.

i love summer's hot, lazy days. life is pretty damn good.

i'm being really obsessive again. gahhhh. stupid.
i've been taking nice walks everywhere this week.
i'm sticking around here indefinitely.
jess made divine ravioli tonight. oh, and this orange vinaigrette. everything else was good, too, but those won me over. soooo goooood.
and i'm being really obsessive. oh, wait, i already mentioned that. yeah, its annoying as fuck. grrr..

he is so fucking STUPID!!!
i won't assume i know all about her, but the tidbits i have gathered are painfully unimpressive. like, oh my GOD, seriously?
and his convoluted excuse for an apology was flattering at first, but after sitting with it, reflecting on it, talking it out with deanna and adrian, now i'm just mad and channeling all my man-hating.

ANYWAY. my big brother got married today. it was fun (except for the lame ass fucking shit alluded to above). i laughed, i cried, i got my hair tugged, my arm licked, and was dragged to the dance floor numerous times by noah. he is a terribly cute little two year old. i fucking love children. henry needs to hurry up and pop on out of kerri.

last night was the rehearsal for nick and amy's wedding. i'd been a little anxious about it all week, knowing i'd have to sit watching ernie and his girlfriend all night, fearing i'd be completely ignored again. that ended up being the least upsetting part of it all. it was all a painful reminder of how left out i am.
for a moment i was happy, learning i was at least getting escorted to my seat. i assumed that meant nick would walk me down after my parents. but no, i have to walk down with amy's incredibly awkward brother. then, the clueless wedding planner told me to sit on amy's side, which made me more upset. as if it wasn't enough that once again i have no part in my brother's wedding, now this dumb bitch is telling me i can't even sit with my family because we MUST walk down with me on the left and rob on the right, and then it would just look AWFUL for us to switch sides when we sat. why, we might bump into each other or trip one another! ...right... so when my mom said we were backwards and the wedding planner insisted seating wouldn't be separated groom's-side/bride's-side, i actually started to cry. nick saw me, and politely told her she was being ridiculous. a minor incident, corrected. but throughout the rest of the rehearsal, watching ernie and greg and jim and chris escort one after another of amy's childhood friends down the aisle, thinking about how i change friends every few years and they all fade into mere acquaintances in the end, i felt jealous and bitterly alone. sidelined, a bench warmer.
the last time i saw them all together was just after chris and kerri's wedding. greg was placidly catholic and had just met alisa. now he's got his mormon membership card and underwear and they're married. jim and jana were pregnant out of wedlock. now mason's nearly two and their first anniversary has passed. ernie was panicking then, pressuring himself to catch up soon. he bought a house. he found himself a girlfriend who already has a baby. tomorrow i gain a sister-in-law, and a nephew in three months. sure, i'm happy for and proud of all of them for growing up, becoming such fine, respectable men. but i still want to play with the big boys. i do get it. i get the significance of the age difference, the gender difference. i understand why things won't soon be how i want them. but i still feel left out.
and its not that i really wish things continued with ernie. that would be too weird, and i'd be too held back. but last night i couldn't help thinking about how happy i was after chris and kerri's rehearsal dinner, after sitting next to him and joking and coyly flirting. i tossed and turned all night, wondering if my lifelong crush might finally become something more. the next morning i was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed because i couldn't wait to see him at the wedding. we kept stealing glances at the reception, danced to "lets get it on", stared at each other in the side view mirror on the way home. et cetera. it was exciting, and it was my key to their world. but it was short-lived and won't happen again. that i got a "what up sara" and he touched my arm twice last night felt triumphant after the last time i saw him.
but he's beside the point. i want to be closer to my brothers. i love them.

i love carrie because she listened to me. she let me express myself. i could comfortably tell her everything on my mind, everything i felt. she welcomed me into her home, fed me, lent me books, offered me everything she could. she encouraged me and never once judged me. she supported my decision, knowing it was mine to make. she understood my difficulty with it, and laughed with me throughout the process.

i resent my mother for a lot. she has become increasingly difficult to deal with. dad, too.
if only...

nico and i have made up and owned up to our ridiculous words and actions. that's been refreshing, at least.

and this morning lindsay made us waffles and tonight david made us carne asada.
holy shit. i am SO content. best weekend ever.

lindsay made the most delicious dinner tonight. chicken with balsamic peaches, green beans, rice, and a modified version of strawberry shortcake. ohmygoditmademesohappy. i haven't had a good meal since i was in france.
patricia rotated several chicken and veal dishes for lunch on sundays. as i ate my panini poulet weekdays at lunch i'd wonder excitedly what we'd have for dinner. except thursdays. that was her night out for tapas with friends, so i could always count on a gratin or pizza or spanish jambon. thibaut and i would eat together watching tv. those were our bonding moments. i'll never forget the first time i watched grey's anatomy. it was with him one night, and there were two episodes back to back. the first one was intense, and after it we both were hooked. the second one was the episode when denny died. it couldn't help crying. oddly enough, after that i didn't feel awkward with him anymore. that's why i really still watch the show. its my way of being back on the canapé with the white sheet over it, petting benji and watching thibaut smoke.
the other americans have begun to trickle back home. its hard to imagine what it would be like to just now be on my way home. all of my anxiety from the whole experience has dissipated. i don't remember it in the same light. the longing to go back doesn't come from my former feelings of disappointment and dissatisfaction that needed to be reconciled. now i just miss it. intensely. and i miss them so much.
i wish i brought more back. more objects. i have my casino pâte à tartiner jar with a pinecone from le defle, lavander from outside la taverne du 7eme art, and a rock from st. tropez, flyers and newpapers galore, my auchan mustard and herbs de provence, the purple grocery bag acacia gave me. but... i want more tangible reminders. i don't want all of this to only exist in my head. i want..to touch it and know it was real and is still with me.
the joy that comes over me every time i hear someone speak french astonishes me. i love it.

i'm a college graduate. yay me.
i keep saying i have no idea what i want to do or where i want to live, but its not true. i just haven't decided which dream to pursue first. the possibilities really are endless, and that thought no longer stresses me out. i'm excited now. i love the uncertainty. i love my ups and downs. i look back fondly on all my good decisions and bad calls. i can't wait to make more.

i'm going to have a nephew in october! i can't waaaiiiiit. (and i'm really glad its a boy...is it really awful that i think i'd be a little less excited if it were a girl?)